My husband is best man and am not maid of honour

Have you ever been a maid of honour? If yes, was your husband the best man at the wedding? Or was it someone you had never met?

Both scenarios are possible. Sometimes the honour attendants may be or may not be husband and wife. It all depends on the couple’s preference. While some choose married couples to serve as their matron of honour and best man, others don’t. They may decide to choose their friends who are not a couple.

In cases where the matron and the best man are not a couple, sometimes things go sour when the partner sitting in the audience gets jealous and fails to handle the sight of their husband or wife being paired with another person.

In 2013, for example, Maria Ambrose Mtani, who is in her mid 30s and a mother of two served as a matron of honour in a wedding where the best man was not her husband.

Everything went well during the ceremony until later at the reception when it was time to hit the dance floor. As usual, the groom took the bride’s hand and led her to the dance floor. Likewise, the matron and best man followed, to accompany the couple.

It did not take long before a furious-looking woman came rushing from the audience and pushed Maria so that she (the woman) could dance with her husband, who was the best man. A shocked Maria just stood there speechless, wondering what was going on. It was the best man’s wife who could not stand seeing her husband dance with another woman.

“I have never felt this embarrassed in my life. Imagine the stares from the invited guests. I just stood there alone not knowing what to do. The best man’s wife made the remaining part of the ceremony very stressful for me,” says Maria.

She has since vowed to never accept being paired with someone’s husband in a wedding. Maria says it had never crossed her mind that someone would get jealous because their partner was paired with someone else.

She says such people tend to think their partners would start relationships with the other man or woman, which may not necessarily be the case.

Stella Mathias, in her 40s for example, says she has served as matron of honour in four different weddings and she cannot recall the names or faces of the best men in those weddings.

“I never even bothered to know their names. In all the four weddings, I would only meet the best man for the first time in church and I never saw them after the reception,” she says.

Stella says what happened to Maria was not surprising because she could also sense jealousy in some of the wives of the best men she served with.

Maria who has since forgiven the woman who made her a laughing stock at that wedding, thinks the woman’s action could mean there are best men and maids of honour who end up engaging in relationships after meeting at weddings.

It’s on this note that Maria who is a lawyer says to avoid such inconveniences and misunderstandings, it’s better to have married couples serve as maid of honour and best man rather than people who are not a couple..

“When the matron and best man are not a couple, sometimes it creates tension on the jealous partners. In some cases, it could lead to cheating and hurting the other partners,” says Maria.

Faith Lazaro, 40, admits that sometimes people start relationships after meeting at weddings where they served as best man and matron. She has evidence for this.

Her husband was a best man at his friend’s wedding where another woman was chosen to be the maid of honour. The maid of honour was the bride’s best friend.

“I had no problem with my husband being paired with another woman at all. Things went wrong six months later when I found out that my husband and the matron were actually having an affair,” Faith explains.

Faith says she found out about her husband’s little secret when he forgot his mobile phone at home one day. Because he is a businessman, Faith thought it was wise answering his phone calls so she could inform those who called that the husband had forgotten his phone at home.

“I answered all the incoming calls and replied to text messages. One of the text messages was from the matron at his friends wedding where he was the best man. She was asking him why he was not picking her calls,” says Faith.

This prompted Faith to read previous messages that her husband had not deleted and this is when she realised the two had an affair.

“I was shocked and my heart was beating faster as I continued reading through the messages. I forwarded the messages and photos to my phone and waited for my husband to return home. And because he had forgotten his phone at home, he returned home early that day,” Faith recalls.

Her husband was very apologetic when Faith confronted him with the evidence. Because Faith was so mad at him, the two ended up in a big fight that led to Faith packing her bags.

But before she left, she called her husband’s friend through whose wedding he met his new lover and told him everything. She wanted her husband’s friend to bring the matron and her husband to their house to discuss the matter. When her husband’s friend declined to do so, Faith decided to call the other woman’s husband and informed him about his wife and her husband’s relationship.

It was a conflict that took time to settle, but although Faith has since forgiven her husband, she says she no longer trusts him. She says she can not blame anyone who gets jealous when their partner is paired with another person in a wedding.

But why do such things happen?

Modesta Kamoga, a psychologist from the University of Dodoma says entering into such relationships depends on individual behaviour. She says to avoid lust and jealousy, it’s better for those intending to get married to choose couples as their honour attendants. These, she says should serve as their marriage advisors, especially in times of conflict.

Unfortunately, “When it comes to choosing best man and matron for your wedding, people usually choose people who are close to them such as their best friends, relatives, siblings or even people they went to school with,” says Modesta.

These may not necessarily be couples or even married people. People just chose them without knowing or considering that they have a major role in their marriage, like helping them solve marital problems.

Today, the youth don’t take this into consideration, which is why they choose their friends or try to find somebody they would either match with and sometimes somebody who would not outshine them on the wedding day as far as beauty is concerned.

Modesta advises those who get the opportunity to serve as matron and best man to overcome lust since they are entrusted with a big role to be the couple’s advisors. They are supposed to help the newly-weds lead a happy and peaceful married life.

Rehema Issa, a resident of Kijitonyama and a mother of two does not see any problem with people who are not husband and wife serving as wedding attendants. She says what matters is choosing someone you are comfortable with and with whom you would match during the wedding.

“Sometimes you find a fair-skinned bride with a dark-skinned matron, something that is done intentionally to make the bride look more beautiful than the matron. No one wants the matron to attract the people’s attention that day. The bride should,” Rehema says with a laughter.

Lucas Kigera shares a different view. He does not support the idea of people who are not husband and wife serving as matron and best man. He says this creates temptation in some people who end up engaging in affairs. Like the psychologist, he says these people that couples choose as matron and best man should serve as an example of a good marriage to the newly-weds.

He also suggests that the matron and best man should be older and with enough experience in married life. This way, he says, it would be easy for them to help the young couple in times of trials.

“In case your best man and matron are not a couple, it would be difficult to consult them during tough times. No man would allow his wife to go to solve a marital problem with another man,” he reasons. He himself would not allow that to happen unless he is also invited to the meeting.

A Pentecostal pastor, Justine Kaleb says the law does not specify whether the matron and best man should be a couple or if they should be married or not. It just states that a couple intending to tie the knot should have two witnesses, a man and a woman.

The pastor says the law therefore allows couples to choose who their witnesses should be depending on their personal preferences.

“It is common knowledge that these witnesses are supposed to serve as marriage advisors and solvers of conflicts that may arise in the young couple’s marriage. These are expected to be husband and wife and God-fearing people,” says the pastor.

It is for this matter that most churches, according to the pastor, prefer to have husband and wife as marriage witnesses. They are supposed to be there for the newly-wed couple in times of problems to advise them spiritually.

Pastor Kaleb, concurs with those who believe that cheating depends on personal behaviour. He says, for the witnesses who end up having an affair, it all starts from the several meetings during the wedding planning because these people get enough time to know each other better.

The pastor mentions things, like the action of giving each other cake and champagne as well as dancing together during the wedding as things that bring the best man and matron closer. Some spouses can not stand this.

Pastor Kaleb says the role of wedding attendants does not end at the reception but their role goes on thereafter. They are supposed to ensure the marriage is a peaceful and happy one by helping the couple through conflits whenever they arise.

In a nutshell, he is of the opinion that wedding attendants should be husband and wife.

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