It's never a petty orc fair situation if you or someone you know is being cheated on. While it can be tempting to step in and play the hero for someone you care about, you may not want to get involved, depending on the situation.
A week ago, while hanging out with friends at a pub in Sinza, a young man sitting at a table not far from ours kept murmuring things to himself and drinking his booze like a man on a mission.
I decided to ask him if everything was okay. At first, I thought he had been dumped by his girlfriend but as he poured his heart out, I realised it was more his failure to mind his own business that got him in that mood. He introduced himself as Joseph and proceeded to share that he had just ended a long-time friendship. He had been trying to tell his best friend that his girlfriend was cheating on him and as a good friend, he didn’t want to see his friend suffer. “I care about my friend. My friend’s girl is beautiful, charming, and all that but she’s not the right girl for him. I have seen her several times with different men and whenever I try to explain this to my friend, he thinks that I am not happy about their relationship and eventually, he decided to kick me out of the house that we shared,” he explained bitterly. “Whenever I tried to show him who his girl really was, my friend would go behind my back and tell her what I told him,” he detailed. “Eventually, I learnt the hard way that I should mind my own business. It is hard to tell a friend who is in love that their partner is cheating,” he said. In a turn of events, when the relationship hit a bumpy road, the friend came back to Joseph for help. Considering what happened to Joseph, is the idea of minding one’s business the right thing to do? Should you watch while your friend gets into trouble, or should you help them before it’s too late? While Joseph’s intention was good as he was trying to protect his friend from hurt, he was left with an egg on his face when their friendship came to a sad end. According to a Swahili proverb, one should avoid interfering in sibling disputes and instead grab a hoe and head to the farm. Ndugu wakigombana, shika jembe ukalime. Because you will be seen as their enemy once they resolve their differences. So should you tell your friend their partner is cheating or not? Does minding your own business mean a lack of care and concern? When should you step up and talk to your friend? Put yourself in Joseph’s shoes. Do you think he would do the same if his friend was cheating on his girl? Do you think he would have told his friend’s girlfriend that her man was cheating on her as he did for his friend? A Kijitonyama-based mobile money agent, Mathew Wagala says divulging such information to a friend should be determined by how close your friendship is. “If you are not close friends, it may be better to stay out of the situation altogether. It is important to note that this is a sensitive situation that needs to be taken carefully, being mindful of the feelings involved. The situation is not your responsibility but as long as you are there to provide help when your friend needs it, that’s enough,” he explains. A hairdresser near Mathew's office, Jane Mathias explains that if the friend doesn’t show interest in being told about their partner’s affair, then it’s okay to mind your business. “I think the best way is to tell them the truth and hope they are willing to listen. Aside from that, do nothing; just let them handle their thing, if the person is not willing to fight for his bestie there’s no friendship in there,” she explains. A resident of Mbezi, Halimatra Issa shares that she often wonders why men sometimes act loyal while they are not. “You can see Joseph is willing to share the girl’s dark side but is he also willing to share his friend’s dark side? It’s better to mind your business brother, and nothing else,” says Halimatra. The online community also had strong opinions on why it is important to learn to mind your own business. In a WhatsApp group conversation, participants aired their views. According to Aisha Hassan, it is important to keep in mind that people get broken but you're not there to fix them; rather the best you can do is just listen. “When a person shares their burden, it doesn’t mean they need help. Sometimes they just need your ear to listen so that they can have relief from their burden. Instead of fixing them, try to understand their situation,” she says. Aika Paschal from Shinyanga says that sometimes people confuse the phrase minding your own business with not caring at all. “We all have those friends who love to party all night, for example. Friends who believe things that we don’t, those who are liars. To have their company, we need to accept them as they are and not try to change how they think,” says Aika. Apart from minding our own business, sometimes there may be an issue of bad blood with our friend’s partner or dislike which could lead to a situation similar to Joseph’s. To make sure you do not end up in an argument with your friend over each other's personal business, it’s important to follow these little tips:
If you feel jealous that your friend is dating someone that you don’t feel like you can get along with, make sure that you put yourself in that situation of being the person whom your friend feels jealous about your love life, then go look if what you’re doing is the best for your friend before anything bad happens. The feeling of jealousy may be triggered when you feel like you don’t get to spend as much time with your friend as you did before or that you're always seen as a loser when it comes to finding a girl. Being able to stop this feeling will save you from a lot of trouble and having issues with your friend over matters that may have nothing to do with you.
Let the person's first impressions pass
Sometimes we get bummed by disappointing first impressions. Sometimes, we meet people when they aren’t at their best and can be in any number of moods; cranky, tired, angry. If a situation like that happens to you when someone introduces you to their partner, it’s advised to let it go.
Rather than fixing, focus on hyping them
Hyping them simply means that you are there to cheer them on and help them build their sense of self-worth. You’re supposed to understand that what they are going through is a road that they need to pass so that they can grow. Most of the time, couples decide to move when they want to. What really needs to be taken here is that instead of hurrying to fix the broken pieces of your friend’s love life and correct their error it’s important to help them go through the situation that they are going through. Some people take this situation very seriously, others do not. Try to look both ways. One should tell their friend if the situation reaches a bad position but if you feel jealous about your friend’s love life, then minding your own business will be the best option.
