For example, I know some Uswaz folks who do not have to lift a finger to earn a living. They have developed the art of putting bread on their tables through crafty ways I do not know of. A man would lie through his teeth, looking at you straight in the eye.
Everything is going smart. We have smart phones, smart management and smart this or that. The art of begging also calls for smart skills.
For example, I know some Uswaz folks who do not have to lift a finger to earn a living. They have developed the art of putting bread on their tables through crafty ways I do not know of. A man would lie through his teeth, looking at you straight in the eye.
The likes of Hussein the Uswaz wag live this way. In my school I earned straight E’s and F’s in applied mathematics, applied biology and all other applied stuff. As you have already gathered from this weekly tirade, I am one of stone-daft man in the entire continent -- with a brain fit for a chicken. I flanked my exams at the time because anything taught to me entered through one ear and escaped through the other.
The only skill I have succeeded in is that of begging. This is the art of making even the meanest of guys part with his money. As I have always ranted in this column, my wallet is accustomed to living in financial ICU that sometimes I need to beg some coins for bus fare from colleagues.
There also comes a time when my throat feels like Kalahari Desert craving for irrigating liquids from Ilala – and that means money.
The newest technique of begging entails pouring out praises to the intended target, often a relative or a long-time friend. Although it is not an acceptable habit, to beg from my shemejis (brother or sister-in-laws) it is sometimes easier because having married or eloped with my one-and-only Bisho Ntongo, they would expect me to be the one giving.
To perfect the art of sycophancy, you need to capitalise on your prey’s shortcomings. For example, if someone is short, try to make them taller. If she is ugly, create Miss Tanzania out of her. Remember never to make mistake of commenting on her beer belly or wrinkles. Always praise their children.
Here is a typical scenario; after realizing that my plastic wallet does not have a coin in it, I pop into one of my relative’s or shemeji’s homes over the weekend.
I hang around for the midday meal, which more often than not will comprise a mountain of mashed bananas with Nile Perch stew.
As I sit there belching away, I will start by praising the kids. The daughter resembles crying warthog but I will keep saying how beautiful she has recently become. Grab the toddler, toss her in the air (they love it).
Even if you know the child is always the last in her end-of-term exams, say something to the effect that he has the brains of Albert Einstein. After using the techniques, go for jugular, borrow the money you need.
