Understanding five approaches that can help manage conflicts

Someone disagrees with you and you can feel the tension rising in your body. What do you do?  Do you persuade them to understand your point? Do you ignore them because they have no idea what they are saying? Do you get curious about their perspective and ask questions to find out more? You probably know someone whom disagreeing with is an intolerable pain. You may also know someone whom having a disagreement with is nothing but a fulfilling act of intellectual stimulation. Conflict is basically what occurs when we disagree, be it over ideas, needs, or motivations, and we disagree with people almost all the time. While the way we handle conflicts differ, it is important to understand the different approaches to conflict management so we can know how to get the most out of our conflict situations.

The Thomas-Kilmann model of conflict management has influenced a lot of conflict management practices. It is based on two dimensions of conflict management: assertiveness or concern for self; and empathy or concern for others. Based on these two dimensions, five conflict resolution strategies exist: Competing, Avoiding, Accommodating, Collaborating and Compromising. Let us understand them a little.

1. Competing

A competing approach to conflict management involves high assertiveness and low empathy. This approach is marked with aggressiveness and lack of cooperation with the person we have disagreed with. Competing is not always bad and it can help us to achieve our goals, and may work well when one is in a commanding position and have limited time and resources to resolve the conflict. However, competing can lead to negative emotions such as anger and frustration and it doesn’t help in building good relationships. A person who overly use this approach may be the insufferable no one wishes to disagree with because they will want to have their way no matter what.

2. Avoiding

Avoiding conflict involves low assertiveness and low empathy. It means that one neither asset their position nor do they try to understand the other person’s point of view. People often use this conflict management strategy when they lack authority over the other person. As such, they avoid confrontation by ignoring or avoiding the conflict or the issue altogether. Avoiding is often seen as passive and weak, especially if one is in a leadership position. However, in some cases one may need to avoid a conflict for valid reasons.

3. Accommodating

Accommodating conflict involves low assertiveness and high empathy, and is underpinned by making concessions. It can be an effective way to manage conflict when one lacks power, but by making concessions, the accommodator loses even more power. A familiar example here is people who say yes to more things than they can handle. They inundate their agenda with other people’s agendas, just to realize that their own agenda has taken the far back seat!

4. Collaborating

Collaborating in conflict management involves high assertiveness and high empathy. When you collaborate, you attempt to balance power between yourself and another person by trying to find common ground and work together towards achieving a shared goal. This approach works well if both parties are committed to reaching a mutual agreement. However, collaboration isn’t always easy as it requires having some level of shared understanding and trust that each party values working together, and may take longer. In politics this would be democracy.

5. Compromising

Compromising is halfway of both assertiveness and empathy. If you compromise, you take the middle road between opposing views. It means giving up on certain items and pursuing the most important. It requires some flexibility on both sides and often leads to win-win scenarios, where both parties feel that some of their important needs have been met.

In sum, how we handle conflict determines the outcomes and is determined by what we want to achieve. Each strategy has its strengths and weaknesses and no strategy is a one-size-fits-all. The best approach depends on circumstances at hand and the outcomes of each style can vary depending on the extent to which parties feel that their needs have been addressed. However, when there is differences in power, the powerful side may have more influence on the outcome of a conflict. Therefore, leaders must learn how to solve conflict in ways that as much as possible leads to win-win scenarios.