A while later, you need an introduction of your own. You reach out to that same friend, expecting they might be able to help.
They don’t.
Maybe they brush you off. Maybe they say they’ll get back to you and never do. Or maybe you realise they have no problem helping other people, just not you.
And suddenly, that favour you gave them feels very different.
So, when you help someone get an opportunity, do they owe you one when your turn comes?
That was the question we put to our community, and the responses leaned heavily towards one idea: help people because you genuinely want to, and be careful about attaching expectations to what you give.
What the Community Had to Say
1. Don’t Help With Expectations
A strong theme in the responses was that expectations can change the entire experience of helping someone.
One reader put it simply:
“better to live with no expectations in mind. and help when you feel the need to.”
Another response was even more direct:
“No they don’t owe anything in return…”
Psychologically, this connects to the norm of reciprocity, which is the social expectation that people should return favours, kindness or resources they receive from others.
It’s one of the reasons relationships work. Someone helps you today, you help them tomorrow. Someone recommends you for an opportunity, you remember them when another opportunity comes up.
The expectation itself is a normal part of social relationships. People keep track of what they give, what they receive and whether the relationship feels fair.
2. We’re All Swimming in an Ocean of Favours
One reader described this idea particularly well:
“We’re all swimming in an ocean of favours. Help when you can—it may not be the same person who gives back, but someone will. We often expect the universe to return favours through the same channel we gave, but it doesn’t work that way. Expectation breeds resentment when unmet. Give freely, and trust the flow.”
Another person simply said:
“Do good and throw it in the ocean”
There is a psychological idea behind this too. Social exchange theory looks at relationships partly through the exchanges of resources, support and effort that happen between people.
People naturally notice whether relationships feel balanced.
You help someone get a job, so you expect that person to help you get one later.
You recommend someone’s business, so you expect them to recommend yours.
You lend someone money, so you expect them to remember that the next time you’re struggling.
When that doesn’t happen, the disappointment can feel much bigger because we’re comparing the present situation with everything we previously gave.
When a Favour Becomes a Covert Contract
This is where covert contracts become interesting.
A covert contract is an unspoken agreement we create in our own minds.
You might think:
I helped you when you needed me, so you’ll be there when I need you.
The other person may never have agreed to those terms.
They might remember the favour. They might be grateful for it. They might genuinely appreciate what you did.
Gratitude doesn’t always produce the behaviour we expected.
Because the agreement was never discussed, there is no shared understanding of what the favour created between you.
This is often where resentment starts.
You feel betrayed.
They may have no idea they’ve betrayed you.
Why We Sometimes Take It Personally
There is another psychological process happening here: attribution.
When someone doesn’t help us, our brains naturally try to explain why.
They don’t care about me.
They’re selfish.
They only used me.
Sometimes those explanations will fit the person’s behaviour. Other situations have different explanations.
The person may be overwhelmed, afraid to put their own reputation on the line, unable to help, or simply operating with a completely different understanding of the relationship.
This is why it can help to separate the specific behaviour from the story we build around it.
Someone refusing one request gives you limited information.
Repeated behaviour gives you much more.
One reader captured that idea:
“Don’t help people to get something back. But if they never return the favor when you need it, that tells you who they really are”
So How Do You Deal With It?
If you’re the person helping, start by being honest with yourself about what you’re giving.
If you know you would feel angry or betrayed if the person never returned the favour, acknowledge that expectation. You may be giving freely on the surface while privately expecting reciprocity.
If you’re comfortable helping without knowing whether you’ll ever receive anything back, that gives you a clearer emotional position.
If you need something specific in return, say so. A conversation about expectations gives both people the opportunity to agree on what they’re comfortable with.
If someone you’ve helped doesn’t show up for you later, look at the actual behaviour before deciding what it means.
Ask yourself:
What exactly happened?
Did they refuse, forget, delay or genuinely lack the ability to help?
Is this the first time they’ve disappointed you?
Is there a wider pattern of you supporting them while receiving very little support yourself?
These questions can help you move from an emotional reaction to a more accurate assessment of the relationship.
You can also adjust how much you invest in someone based on what you’ve observed. If a person repeatedly takes your support without offering support when you’re in need, that information can guide how much access, time and social capital you give them in the future.
There is also value in recognising the people who consistently reciprocate.
One reader put it simply:
“Absolutely that’s your hommie hard to find.”
Those relationships matter because reciprocity builds trust. When people know they can depend on each other, favours become part of a wider relationship of mutual support.
The psychology of reciprocity gives us a useful way to understand why these situations can become emotionally complicated.
We naturally notice what we give and what we receive. We form expectations about the people close to us. When those expectations are broken, resentment can follow.
Knowing that can help us become more deliberate about the favours we give, the expectations we carry and the relationships we continue investing in.
Disclaimer: This column is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical advice. Psychological concepts discussed here are intended to provide general insight and are not a replacement for professional therapy or mental health support.
Haika Gerson is a mental health advocate with a background in psychology and a focus on modern relational wellness.
