COVER: The wounds of betrayal

There is this old saying; “less friends, less bullshit. Keep your circle small.” Have you ever tried to ask yourself how much time and money you spend on friends? Be it on emergencies or when you just go out to have a good time. Having good and loyal friends around you is undeniably good, but where do we create a barrier that shouldn’t be crossed by friends? When do we realise that this particular friend has crossed the line? Real life experiences will have you know that no one can be truly trusted, and it’s acts of deceit and betrayal that reveal one’s true intentions.

Judith and Amara, who became inseparable friends met at a Nursing College eight years ago.

They built a very strong friendship that had them do everything in each other’s company. During holidays they even split days and spent the holidays together in their homes.

This is what is identified as good friendship. And everyone would love to get such a friend while in college.

However, reality would have one revaluate the description of a true friend. Hardly two years had passed since Judith and Amara’s friendship had started, betrayal came knocking on the door. And it was Judith who betrayed Amara.

Woman brings you interviews from victims of betrayal; Amara David 32, a nurse and Samwel Rutaihwa, 47, a businessman at Kariakoo.

Wikipedia translates betrayal as the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organisations or between individuals and organisations.

Amara and Samwel had friends with whom they trusted and shared every secret with. At the end of the day, they were instead rewarded with grave betrayal from the people they trusted.

The biggest effect of betrayal is that one never truly recovers from it. Trusting someone again becomes a hard thing to do.

Amara’s story

Both Amara and Judith were dating different people. Amara was dating someone who was the first man she’d ever dated, Jonas.  As a result, she was getting a lot of advice from Judith. For Judith’s part, she was engaged and was waiting to complete her nursing course to get married to her long time fiancé.

“I used to tell her everything I do with my boyfriend who was ten years older than me. I trusted her, and I shared money and gifts from my boyfriend knowing that she was a good friend,” says Amara.

According to Amara, there’s one particular day she’ll never forget. Jonas called her and insisted they meet because he wanted them to talk about something very important. After the meeting, Jonas seemed agitated and promptly asked Amara to forgive him for what he was about to confess.

“He confessed to me that he was having an affair with Judith – saying that he had sex with her four times before he had sex with me, even though we were dating on all the four occasions. He told me that he felt guilty after we had sex and found I was still a virgin. He went on to promise never to repeat it,” says Amara.

According to her, she didn’t believe what Jonas said. She thought he was lying and never wanted Judith to be her friend. She wanted his confession so they planned to unmask Judith by making Jonas invite her to a hotel without her knowing that Amara will also be there.

As agreed, the right time came and Jonas texted Amara the hotel and room number where he’d agreed to meet with Judith. Amara and Judith’s fiancée went and found Jonas and Judith in an intimate embrace in the hotel room. If it were not for the hotel guards to intervene, Judith would have been seriously injured by her fiancé. Judith’s fiancé broke off the engagement permanently ending their relationship.

Effects of the betrayal

From that day Amara never wanted to hear anything from Jonas and she never gave him another chance. And since that dreadful episode, Amara doesn’t have close friends anymore.

Commenting on the matter, the Reverend Aidan Mbulininge of St. Peters Church in Dar es Salaam said that; the Bible says a lot about betrayal. And there is a lot to learn about betrayal from the Bible.

He said that, most of the time people who betray their friends or families are selfish and at some point were mistreated when growing up and found themselves being rejected. So as a way of making sure they are noticed, they can’t help but become selfish leading to betrayal.

“Majority of people who betray their friends or relatives are the ones who experienced rejection during their childhood. They grow up believing they are nothing. Once they get something or someone to appreciate them they just want to go an extra mile to please their souls,” says Mbulininge.

According to the reverend, the story of Kyaruzi and Samuel who were friends from childhood but were later struck with betrayal stems from Kyaruzi’s own ordeal of growing up being mistreated and rejected. 

Kyaruzi’s story

“Kyaruzi was raised by a stepmother who mistreated him. He was not given meals as needed and most of the time he went to school because he spent morning hours doing chores at home,” says Samuel.

He continues to narrate; “his childhood life was not a happy one. As soon as we completed O level education I was selected to join A level in Tabora. Unfortunately Kyaruzi did not pass his exams so he had to remain at home to help his parents,” said Samuel.

Six years later Samuel went back to Bukoba where he grew up with Kyaruzi and found him carrying some luggage at the bus stand. He was dirty and weak due to too much work and little income from his work.

“I decided to open a shop for selling construction materials in Bukoba and gave Kyaruzi an opportunity to be a shopkeeper. The business cost me Sh4 million. At that time I didn’t have it in mind that Kyaruzi would come to betray me,” says Samuel.

Since Samwel had his residence in Dar es Salaam and Kyaruzi was residing in Bukoba, it was upon Kyaruzi to oversee the running of the business. During the first three years of the business everything went well and the shop recorded profits. But in the fourth year Kyaruzi started coming up with excuses saying the business was experiencing stiff competition as many people had opened similar businesses within the same vicinity.  

The shop started having less stock and during the end of the fourth year the shop was virtually empty. Samuel was called by his relatives who live in Bukoba. On arriving in Bukoba, he was informed that Kyaruzi had secured a bank loan which he defaulted on so he spent money from the shop to clear the bank debt. 

“We had a very serious argument over the matter but we never concluded it. I just decided to leave him with everything that had remained in the shop,” says Samwel.

Adding to that he said, “few months later the shop was closed and I wasn’t informed.” Since the shop was almost empty, Samuel never wanted to even call Kyaruzi to learn about what happened. And that was the end of the business and their friendship.

Charles Misango, a psychologist and marriage councillor, commenting on betrayal said that; victims of betrayal take time to heal and sometimes if not well handled they might not heal completely.

“It takes time for one to build trust again, especially if it’s a marriage relationship where people cannot easily separate or divorce. This can cause depression and a victim is likely to lose self-confidence and underperform at work,” says Misango.

Adding to that he said, “it is very important for people to understand that betrayal has existed for years. And it is not your fault that you are a victim of betrayal. All you need to know is that in whatever situation you are struggling to get out of, you’re not alone.”

He concludes by saying; “betrayal victims should first forgive themselves and forgive the people who have betrayed them for their own good.  Forgiving is a process, but one should not hold a grudge against someone for so long as this will only translate to torturing yourself – something that’s not fair not only to you, but to all the people around you who genuinely care for you.”