ELECTION SEASON FUN : Dislocated jaw price for leaking sensitive secret

Countless years ago, wise people (in the spirit of gender fairness, because wisdom is not confined to men) noted that, people who ignore the past can’t comprehend the present properly and accurately predict the future.

One of the things I recall about the past, but not very fondly, is the porridge I used to drink for survival rather than joy at Songa Mbele night (sorry, boarding) school.

The porridge was starved of sugar, prompting me and fellow education hunters to dream that the stuff was as well-sugared as honey is sweet, in order to swallow it.

Like gallant soldiers on battlefronts, we soldiered on, completed school, pursued various professional courses and got jobs.

One of my near-sugarless porridge drinking comrades, Tom Kanjebitenge (chew sugarcanes), got a diploma in motor vehicle mechanics, but manufactured a lie that he had a bachelor’s degree in automobile engineering.

On Monday mid-morning, I gave tea a short break and opted to drink near sugar-less porridge, to re-connect half-way to the schooling past.

While harassing the sweet-less porridge, Tom phoned me, pleading that I rush to Tiba Kiboko Hospital at the speed of a jet fighter, where he had been admitted after being attacked by a frenzied mob at Kidongo Mfinyanzi grounds.

I stopped drinking what pretended to be porridge and rushed to the hospital, but at the speed of a traffic jam-harassed taxi.

Speaking with difficulty, as his right jaw was swollen largely enough to be mistaken for a mid-sized balloon, Tom said an above-average fat lady popularly known by her Mama Mirindimo, aka Double-M nick-name, was addressing the crowd.

The aspirant for the Mburahati Mifenesini constituency seat on the KK (Kipya Kinyemi) party ticket, delivered a brilliant speech that impressed most listeners, many of whom were doing what some circles call unforgivable cruelty to insects – waving live butterflies, the KK symbol.

Double-M declared that, if she became MP – declaring she certainly would, as her rivals weren’t her political size – she would push for females-friendly legislation.

These would include replacing the term house girls with domestic executives with a minimum Sh400,000 monthly salary.

Plus, she would establish a college for prostitutes, to equip them with skills like agricultural engineering, to enable them earn decent livelihoods.

Tom loudly shouted repeatedly that, as a three-time divorcee who operated a brothel secretly, she was morally unsuitable to be a credible candidate, let alone an MP.

He was immediately ringed by a group of anger-charged KK supporters who subjected him to ‘kipigo cha mbwa mwizi’ (a sound beating to which a thieving dog is subjected).

They branded him an agent of the major rival party, CC (Chema Chaziuza), on a sabotage mission, charging that, chipping irrelevant private personal affairs into electoral politics was undemocratic.

Were it not for swift police intervention, my former near-sugarless porridge drinking comrade would now be either in heavenly paradise, or being baked like bread in hell.